Thursday, June 18, 2009

Channeling Gunga-din


This is a picture of:


  1. a suppurating cancer photo op exploited by an obsessed pathologist,

  2. a cross section of this blogger's brain,

  3. a beached man o' war, or

  4. a really weird fungus.

Those who marked "4" are correct; this hideously oozy thing is currently growing, weeping and fruiting (or whatever it is that fungi do) on a birch stump in my back yard.


But #2 is also a possible answer.


Stalwart readers who have kept up with us over the last few years probably have noticed that for a number of months now there has been just one water carrier on this blog....


...and, it ain't me.

At some point last winter my brain moseyed out of fertile fields of imagination into the Empty Quarter - a vast expanse of mundane thought and dreary story lines. For awhile I sat back figuring it would pass.

But it hasn't. Nothing jogs the noggin. Nothing. I figured the news that Kott & Kohring are going to go free would twang a little pang of need to write, but nope. Still wandering the Quarter.

It's a long dry spell and it looks to get even longer and drier before it breaks. Even around the old suburban homestead, nothing has jumped out and screamed - "write about me!" Oh sure, there is the immensely creepy and oozy 'what-the-hell-is-that?" fungus, the drop dead in his tracks rooster, and a few other quirky goings-on, but even those fail to jell a story line.

Guess 'Dweller is going to be water wallah a bit longer.

Not Worth a Month, a Week, a Mention

Or a Response, Apparently

Quick! Mark your calendars!

Text from Governor Palin's latest proclamation, urging all Alaskans to recognize the observance of Alaska Pollinator Week:
WHEREAS, pollinator species such as birds and insects are essential partners of farmers and ranchers in producing much of our food supply; and

WHEREAS, pollination plays a vital role in the health of our national forests and grasslands, which provide forage, fish, wildlife, timber, water, mineral resources, and recreational opportunities as well as enhanced economic development opportunities for communities; and

WHEREAS, pollinator species provide significant environmental benefits that are necessary for maintaining healthy, biodiverse ecosystems; and

WHEREAS, the state of Alaska has managed wildlife habitats and public lands such as state forests and grasslands for decades; and

WHEREAS, the state of Alaska provides producers with conservation assistance to promote wise conservation stewardship, including the protection and maintenance of pollinators and their habitats on working lands and wildlands;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Sarah Palin, Governor of the state of Alaska, do hereby proclaim June 22-28, 2009 as:

Alaska Pollinator Week

in Alaska, and urge all citizens to recognize this observance.

Prior to recognizing the bees, The Gov has issued proclamations for the following observances in June:

  • Alaska Invasive Weeds Awareness Week
  • Alaska Pacific University's 50 Anniversary Week
  • Juneteenth Day
  • Men's Health Awareness Week
  • Flag Day
  • Global Food Alaska Days
  • Automotive Service Professionals Week
  • National Trails Day
  • Fishing Week
  • Auburn Founders Day
  • Dutch Harbor Remembrance Day
  • Safety Month
  • Great Outdoors Month

These proclamations are pretty standard fare - knock out a few whereas' about a historical moment, a health issue, or a career choice, and proclaim a month, week or day the period in which to recognize that thing.

Me, I feel pretty guilty about having somehow missed Automotive Service Professionals Week. And it's a good thing that I am now aware of the invasive plants in my front yard, which, in a funny irony, are currently being pollinated by the very group we will be celebrating next week. Thanks to The Gov's proclamation, I plan on recognizing June 22-28 with the liberal application of a weed whacker. But I digress. Clearly, these things must be important -- after all, they each got a whole week.

Not worthy of notice or observance, however, is Alaska Gay Pride Month or the weeklong PrideFest held in Anchorage June 13-21. Organizers of the annual Pridefest activities there sent The Gov a request for such recognition (in addition to inviting her to attend the June 20 parade and festivities in Anchorage) but have not heard back.

With a nod to Bent Alaska, which made this point within a larger article.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Lost in a Haze of Daylight Induced Frolicking

And We Haven't Even Started Fishing Yet

Have you noticed that many of your favorite Alaskan blogs, not to imply that this is indeed one of them, have been a bit thin lately?

Most of us, I'd guess, have been burning brightly of late, cramming house/cabin related projects, garden work and as much quality time (read: outdoor with friends and beer) as we can into our short little season known as summer. As I explained to a recent transplant and Alaskan-in-training, you don't want to be regretting how you spent your summer a few months from now when the temperatures have dropped and the daylight dwindled. Nope, time to embrace the daylight and the manic affective disorder.

I'm so M.A.D. stricken that I haven't even been tempted to go off when Sarah Palin says something truly stupid:
America is digging a deeper hole, and how are we paying for this government largesse? We're borrowing from China, and when you consider that now we own 60 percent of General Motors or the U.S. government does, consider, but who is the U.S. government becoming more and more indebted to? It's China. So that leaves you to have to ask who really is going to own our car industry in America?
Where to start? I mean, given her obvious ambitions to higher office outside of Alaska, she must have some handlers by now. Either they are dumb as posts, too, or perhaps they don't read either. Psst! Guys - start doing something other than watch FoxNews. There's a whole world out there online. Start here.

I had the great good fun to attend a Goldstream Valley party the other night. It had the requisites: fire, beer, tons of potluck food, interesting people, beer, and a blue-tarp-as-rain-shelter with a spruce pole post that was tied off to all the trees around it. (There really is no end to the usefulness of a blue tarp, is there?) Lot of little kids running around, but strangely, no dogs, which is pretty much an unheard of occurance.

There were many highlights to the evening, including my conversation with an end-of-the-roader who kept announcing during breaks in the conversation that Obama was running the country into the ground. After imparting his plan to survive the coming collapse of near civilization as we know it (the plan is your basic stockpile food and weapons type plan) I went back to the main conversation by the fire. Somehow, all the guys had gravitated over to the forge (ya know, where people make stuff out of metal) leaving the remaining women and end-of-the-roader, who was by that time fixed in place by intoxication. Don't worry, he wasn't driving home.

Somehow, and I could not have predicted this, our conversation frightened our end-of-the-roader so much that he left after announcing that:
  1. We scared him.
  2. He would never reveal anything we had said.
  3. He had never been married and never intended to try that state.

Friday, June 05, 2009

The FBI's Little List, Growing Smaller By the Day

Revamped to reflect the ramifications of the prosecution's misconduct.

The earlier question, "How Many More to Go?", should be replaced perhaps with "Thanks to the Justice Department, How Many Will Get Off?" We here at FBH suspect that the list will continue to change as everyone takes advantage of some truly boneheaded behavior by the DOJ attorneys who lost perspective in their zeal to win.

Which sucks, how can you blow a case in which you have guys on tape selling their vote to Big Oil?

Santa's The FBI's Little List (First posted in December 2007 - Updated on May 5, 2009)
Items in bold are the most recent events.
  • Tom Anderson : Naughty, Gray Bar Hotel
  • Bill Allen: Very, Very, Very Naughty, Pled Guilty
  • Rick Smith: Naughty, Pled Guilty
  • Pete Kott: Naughty and Easy, Gray Bar Hotel, Going to Go Free, Heading Back to Trial Court
  • Bruce Weyhrauch: Naughty, Indicted
  • John Cowdery: Naughty, Indicted, Pled Guilty, House Arrest
  • Vic Kohring: Naughty, Gray Bar Hotel, Going to Go Free, Heading Back to Trial Court
  • Ben Stevens: Very Naughty - In the Bag
  • Ted Stevens: Very, Very Naughty and Haughty - CONVICTED! Charges Dropped
  • Don Young: Naughty and Rude, Under Investigation and Spending $ Like Crazy
  • Frank Murkowski: Naughty and Slow, Give 'im rope
  • Jim Clark: Very, Very, Very Naughty Pled Guilty
  • James C. Hayes: Indicted, Tried and Convicted, Gray Bar Hotel
  • Murilda "Chris" Hayes: Indicted, Pled Out, Gray Bar Hotel
  • Beverly Masek: Pled Guilty, Gray Bar Hotel

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

We're Doing a Heckuva Job With Fisheries

With apologies, again, for this pale imitation of the inimitable Harper's Index.
“I hope you enjoy this book, as a resource and a reminder of the visionary pioneers, scientists, and leaders who have been a part of developing Alaska’s amazing commercial fisheries. The stage is set for keeping our fisheries wild and productive, sustaining ways of life and livelihoods for generations to come.”
-- ADF&G Commissioner Denby Lloyd, in the foreward to "Sustaining Alaska's Fisheries: 50 Years of Statehood", a publication commissioned as part of Alaska's 2009 Statehood Celebration
  • Salmon caught by Emmonak for subsistence in 1980: 2,256 chinook, 12144 chum, 1350 coho
  • Est. population of Emmonak, 1980: 567
  • Chinook salmon caught by Emmonak for subsistence in 2006: 2311
  • Est. population of Emmonak, 2007: 767
  • Total subsistence chinook harvest on Yukon in 2006: 48682
  • 10 year average of that total prior to 2006: 51574
  • Percentage of Yukon area households reporting that more than 75 percent of their subsistence needs for chinook salmon were met in 20061: 41
  • Record number of chinook salmon caught as 'bycatch' by the pollock fishery, year: 122,000, 2007
  • Chinook salmon caught as bycatch in the same fishery in 2008: 20,000
  • Average # of chinook salmon caught as 'bycatch' by the pollock industry, 2005-2007: 44,000
  • Chinook bycatch cap proposed by ADF&G Commissioner Denby Lloyd to NPFMC in 2009: 69,000
  • Chinook bycatch cap supported by Western Alaska groups: 32,500
  • Chinook bycatch cap agreed to by NPFMC at April 2009 meeting: 60,000
  • Year bycatch cap will take effect if authorized by feds, treaty: 2011
  • Years in which Alaska failed to let enough chinook salmon through to Canada as provided by treaty: 2007, 2008
  • Percentage decrease in pollock abundance, per year, since 2003: 20
  • Cap of harvest set by NPFMC for Bering Sea pollock fishery in seasons A&B in 2009: 815,000 metric tons
  • Cap of harvest set by NPFMC in 2008: 1 million metric tons
  • Cap of harvest set by NPFMC in 2007: 1.39 million metric tons
1Which is a very complicated way of asking if they got enough (or even 3/4 of enough) chinook salmon for their subsistence needs.

Selected (not all) Sources:
-1980 Census of the Population, Volume 1, Characteristics of the Population, U.S. Department of the Census, 1981
- Alaska Subsistence Fisheries Annual Report 2006, Technical Paper 344, Alaska Department of Fish and Game Subsistence Division, 2009.
- "Fast Fish, Loose Fish - Who will own Alaska's disappearing salmon?", Rowan Jacobsen, Harper's Magazine, May 2009.
- "Villagers denounce Yukon king closures", Kyle Hopkins, The Anchorage Daily News, May 29, 2009.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cardboard Condo

But what will happen when the rain comes?

A few weekends back, on one of the first truly warm and sunny ones of this spring, I happened to swing by our local thrift store the dumpsters across from the University. There was a full scrum in progress as people rooted and poked and ferreted out treasures from the bins, which were piled sky high with a winter's worth of refuse and goodies.

My first hint that I should not have left the digital camera home came when I approached the transfer station on University Avenue only to find traffic slowed to a crawl in the right hand lane as cars and trucks queued to make the turn. Within, all was madness - dumpster divers mobbing loaded trucks even before their wheels ceased turning. Heads were bobbing around deep within the towering piles of junk, and clothes, cushions, and what all were being flung with wild abandon at the recycle platform (I use the word recycle loosely, because more and more the platform is just a plein air trash heap).

In the midst of all this chaos, parked over to the side, was the Cardboard Condo - the latest creation of one of the transfer station's more colorful, persistent and creative characters. The Prophet, as some call him, was comfortably sitting under an awning of cardboard, much as one often sees retirees resting in the shade of their scroll-out awning at the end of a long day of navigating the 35-foot land yacht.

This was the first time I encountered the Prophet's latest construction project. Since then, I have watched with interest, as no doubt many Squarebanksans have, as the Cardboard Condo develops into the Cardboard Train: a series of shopping carts filled with cardboard boxes and pieces that he wheels up and down University Avenue. The train appears to be getting longer and longer, but its longevity, either as art or as shelter, is tied to the current dry spell we are enjoying.

Certainly more durable was the willow wicket period he went through several years back. Then he fashioned a quite elaborate bent willow receptacle that he put on wheels and used to collect the odd bits and pieces with which he furnishes his digs in the woods behind the transfer station.

My personal moniker for him is Burlap Man, born of a time, oh, about 10 years ago, when he wore a burlap serape-like affair and burlap boots - even in the coldest weather. He is given to Biblical utterances and rantings - and can become agitated and aggressive if one approaches a dumpster that he has claimed as his own.

As in any place, there are untold stories in the woods of Fairbanks. Once upon a time a young child froze to death in a tent. It wasn't madness nor poverty that drove the parents to live in a tent on the edge of the city within a stone's throw of shelter, food and warmth. It was arrogance, hubris and self-aggrandizement - the conviction of a particular man that he had the skills and wherewithal to live off the land in a canvas tent through a harsh Fairbanks winter.

The irony is that, of course, now he does, and has been doing so for well over a decade.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Notes from the Lower 48

Subaru count thus far: 3 in 7 days
Palin free days: 0

I'm still not back in Squarebanks, but finally found a wireless connection to piggy back from my parents' house. (Their home being computer-less and internet-less.)

After so many years living in a part of the world where Subarus comprise at least one-third of the vehicles on the road, it has been strange not to see ANY. Of course, imports are a rarity here in the mausoleum of the U.S. auto industry (Detroit-area), but sheesh. It was something like 3 days before I saw the first one, and that was in Ohio.

I thought to have a Palin-free vacation. But no, thanks to the wonder of cable news, that hope went out the door. You know those scrolling headlines at the bottom of the screen? (Yes, I'm hopelessly ignorant of teevee terms - no cable at the Squarebanks dwelling.) Well, something happened, I dunno, Palin changed her hairstyle or something, and there were headlines.

There is no escape.

That, and the fact that after confirming that I still live in the AK, all my relatives at the family reunion deep in the heart of Appalachia had to know what I thought of Her. I tried to confine my rant to a few coherent sentences for a few reasons:

1) I was sincere in my hope to avoid political discussions with the assorted family members who ranged in outlook from mildly to jaw-droppingly right wing caricature
2) Most of them actually voted for John McCain BECAUSE of her
3) The possibility that the rant might derail into other topics; having ignored a raft of racist commentary for several hours previous

So, if the SarahPAC has a goal of appealing to absolute fringe of the Republican party, well, as Dubyah might say if he was anywhere to be found, mission accomplished. My hillbilly family members, who range from well educated to backwoods old-school South, love her.

I can't get back to the Goldstream Valley quick enough.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Out for A Fairly Long Smoke Break

Except that I gave that habit up several years ago. No, this is a metaphorical smoke break from the blog, my peoples, while I get the obligatory trip to the Lower 48 out of the way.

I mean, who in their right mind would want to leave Alaska in the summer time? Bueller? Exactly. So, I'm off to other places before the summer actually begins here. We've been stalled out on the whole 'green up' thing for weeks now, so I got to get while the getting is good.

See you when the leaves are green.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Greatest Letter to the Editor. Ever.

At least until someone one ups him. Gentlefolk, I give you the "Magic Truck" letter to the editor posted on the FDNM's website.

Thanks to KC at Geneflow for pointing this one out:
"Now the magic part comes into play. I, like almost all other pick-up truck owners, use the bed of the truck to “store” my trash. I put petrochemical based perforated carrying devices, (those are plastic bags with handles), that I acquire from Freddies, WallyWorld and all the other retail outlets in town into the bed of the truck. I put Styrofoam cups in the bed of the truck, I put paper sacks from the fast food joints into the bed of my truck."
I'll let you read the letter in its entirety and not spoil the pay off. I'd like to add that the truck fairies that are drawn to 'magic trucks' really render tarps over a load of treasure completely unnecessary.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Support Your Local Business, At Least Until It Does't Support You

Goodbye, Goldstream Store

My attempts to support local businesses and waste less time and money driving to town to buy groceries just got derailed by the actuality of to whom I'd be giving my money.

When the ownership of the local store in my neck of the woods, the Goldstream Store, changed hands last year, it did so quietly. At least so much so that I didn't really notice. The same employees worked there, the same woman was managing it ... there continued to be great beer specials and that neighborhood feel.

In fact, I hadn't given it much thought at all until last weekend, when I took a short jaunt down the road to pick up some cold beer and some groceries and a bunch of employees were out front by the road, holding signs urging us to boycott the store.

Now, I'm not much more than friendly acquaintances with the people who work there, but they do not strike me as layabouts, or unfriendly, or bad at their job. Quite the opposite. Meaning, I'm inclined to trust them. And they'd walked out Friday night, finally, after months of crappo behavior from the new owner.

Apparently, said owner doesn't want any gays, tattooed people or Catholics working at his store. He has been vocal about it in the months of his ownership, so much so that the employees finally walked out.

This explains why when I had last been to the store, a bunch of guys who didn't know what the hell they were doing were waiting on people to considerable delay. They didn't even know they had to charge us tax until one of the customers pointed it out. Not knowing how to do that, I got my beer tax free that night, as I imagine everybody else did. There were to be no cash purchases of gas, since they couldn't do that either.

If said new owner doesn't want the tattooed, or the Catholics, or the gay people, or whatever type of person doesn't conform to his narrow understanding of what a human being is working for him in in the Goldstream Valley - his business is going to go downhill real quick. Because we might look like a bunch of hyper conservative rednecks, but he bought a business in a notably progressive neighborhood.