Sunday, September 30, 2007

Is Exercise Really That Bad????

The latest in diet pills brought you by Big Pharma is something called "alli" - with a little horizontal line over the "i" - which I cant reproduce here because I am an html midget.

Sooo, in addition to all the usual promises (although this one -surprise, surprise - claims to be different than all the rest) alli is not simply a pill but a pill with a plan...but all that aside, lets just take a look at its treatement effects* ... lifted from one of their print ads:

'...if you eat too much fat you may experience treatment effects (emphasis in original), including loose or more frequent stools, an urgent need to go to the bathroom, or gas with an oily discharge.'

Gas with an oily discharge?????!!!!! Now wait a minute - it's bad enough having to cut one during a business meeting and ferverntly hoping it wont be a SBD, but piling on the worry that there might be some kind of weird french fry-like stain seeping through the back of the Liz Claiborne and possibly onto the upholstery? Mais non!
Come on sheeple - is doing a little bit more exercise and eating a bit less so much worse than taking a pill that gives one the runs and oily farts? Has this super-size nation gone so low down that there really is a market of people willing to have skid marks in their undies just so they dont have to work to get rid of the excess?
Wow. I can only imagine the groaning and swearing when the ad team got handed the alli specs. But mastery of the glitz, power of the message - alli copy gets one all lathered up about taking one's weight under one's own control (as if getting morbidly obese** in the first place was just an act of god), and in a sort of Nike-esque "Just Do It" kind of fervour distracts from those important caveats (loose stool et al) with catchy visuals and patter. No skid marks there, just cute puppies and can-do women!
*a less startling word perhaps than the troublesome "side effects"
** I can only assume it's those with one leg in the grave that would even consider taking this snake oil

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Kott with his Hands in the Cookie Jar!

Four down, how many more to go?

Noticed today in Freddie's that they already have a few aisles of Christmas lights and lighted lawn ornaments on display. The sight of those fat inflatable lawn Santas got me to humming that little ditty in my head - you know the one: He's making a list; Checking it twice; Gonna find out who's naughty or nice, Oh! Santa Claus is coming to town!!!

Well, here is a more au courant version of it (at least for Alaska)

Santa's the FBI's Little List ---

Tom Anderson : Naughty Convicted

Bill Allen: Very, Very, Very Naughty Convicted

Rick Smith: Naughty Convicted

Pete Kott: Naughty and Easy Convicted

Bruce Weyhrauch: Naughty Indicted

Vic Kohring: Naughty Indicted

Ben Stevens: Very Naughty In the Bag

Ted Stevens: Very, Very Naughty and Haughty In the Bag

Don Young: Naughty and Rude In the Bag

Frank Murkowski: Naughty and Slow Give 'im rope

Jim Clark: Very, Very, Very Naughty There's always hope

And for those of you that didnt catch the pic on the ADN site - here is the red hat that was entered into evidence at Kott's trial - an example of the (in)famous Corrupt Bastards Club hat, which as it turns out were VECO hats with CBC hand-embroidered on the back by Kott's girlfriend. How very frat!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's hard to keep up a blog

When you have no Internet access at home.

Also, when you now have a proper job where you can't spend time dinking about with your blog.

So, expect limited updates for a little longer. But Flic certainly has a way with a headline, doesn't she?

On a side note, my first nomination for FBH's new Al Swearengen Award (an end of the year thing) goes to Bill Allen, former VECO Grand Poobah. Goddammit!

1000 Words

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

FBI to Ben Stevens: "Kott-cha"

Nothing more needs to be said as former Rep. Pete Kott's trial on bribery, conspiracy, extortion and oh yeah, lets not forget, wire fraud gets underway.

The ADN is doing a great job with coverage - much appreciated by this former cabin dweller who would love to be sitting in the public gallery through this and all subsequent trials of the bagged members of our infamous corrupt bastards club, but alas, lacks the personal wealth sufficient to allow for that much time off.

In listening to today's audio offering on ADN's website- recorded cell phone conversations between Kott and Bill Allen - I was surprised to hear we had, and didnt know, our very own version of Larry the Cable Guy. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe a stand-up comedy circuit would have been a better post-Lege career pursuit for Kott than Barbados prison warden. GET 'ER DONE!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

How global warming is threatening the igloos in Alaska

Not to belabor the whole igloo thing, but...

Greetings from NYC. I am safely ensconced at a friend's house in Brooklyn, where I am enjoying the view of Manhattan and typing away on a Mac Power Book thingey. My friend's husband just published a book, "Father Knows Less" and is getting crazy publicity and doing a whole bunch of readings and signings and stuff.

Oh, and it's been a while, so just in case you've forgotten - Bong Hits for Jesus!

So a couple of days ago I was pleased to note the entire lack of igloo-related questions posed by family members. Not something to opine about every day, but it gets revisited once in a while when I am down here in the Lower 48 and the insta-Alaskan celebrity.

Sooooo. I was watching late night television, cable in fact, when I paused from desperately flipping through channels in search of anything worth watching (hello, Deirdre!) I happened upon some new late night talk show called "Chelsea Lately."

Don't ask, okay?

So, her guest was a young woman in a rather revealing red dress associated with the Playboy empire - I tuned in midway through the segment and it was pretty late, so that's all I know. But the woman, who I assume worked at the Hefner mansion, grew up in Ketchikan, in fact. (I'll refer to her as the Playboy Chick or PBC.) And the PBC mentioned that she had vacationed with her coworkers in Alaska, but that "Heff" (presumably Hefner) hadn't gone. And the host asked, "What? Is he afraid of Eskimos?" And suddenly they were discussing Alaska. So the conversation turned to Alaska, dirt roads, nice place to be from, etc, etc. Usual stuff. But then the million dollar question came from the host.

How is global warming affecting the igloos? She was very concerned about the status of igloos due to global warming. And given how little a lot of folks know about AK, ya know, not surprising.

But the poor former Ketchikan chick - clearly, this was not a topic she had considered. So she gave it her best shot as an impromptu Alaskan ambassador and went the logical route, confirming that indeed, global warming is a problem for the igloos.

Man, I better notify some friends out on the coast - they'll be bummed to hear that their igloos are at risk.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Trapped in the wilds of suburban Detroit

Seriously, help! y'all.

I'm here on the outskirts of the Motor City at my parents' house, in the deep, dark heart of manicured lawns and Edward Scissorhands' style housing.

Not kidding. I could walk out of the house and walk into the neighbors and know the floor plan, because they only used two floor plans for the entire neighborhood. The other floor plan is the one they used across the street.

I survived a family event yesterday, but spent a lot of time explaining the whole 'no running water' thing. I suspect this will decrease the chances that anyone is going to visit Squarebanks (or me) any time soon. But my suburban relatives really had a hard time grasping the nuances of the phrase 'dry cabin.'

Yes, many of us outside city limits have an outhouse.
What do we do at -40? We make it a quick trip.
No, I do not have a shower or plumbed sink.
Hauling water means stopping at the Water Wagon, feeding it some quarters, and driving off with 50 gallons or so of H20.
Yes, that does suck at -40.

I'm quite proud of them. After 15 years, I no longer get the questions about 'Eskimos' living in igloos (they don't, in case you live in Anchorage and haven't found this out yet), polar bears (not around Fairbanks), and whether it is like The Show That Will Not Be Named.