Tuesday, February 09, 2010

A Modern Proposal: For Preventing the Palins from Being (More of) a Burden to Their Country and Relatives

Clearly, as the strange phenomenon that is the national obsession with She Who Shall Not Be Named shows no signs of abatement, those of us who have not drunk the Kool-Aid should consider more drastic measures than the liberal application of reason, evidence and logic. 

The time has come for those of us Alaskans with a political memory going back far enough to remember the days before that someone swallowed up the reputation and image of this fine place to make sacrifices.  For the good of all of us, even those living in Wasilla, we need to make the ultimate sacrifice:

We must, friends, bring her back to Alaska, even if it means electing or appointing her to something.  We must 'take one for the team.'

In the former case, the only caveat, of course, is that it can't be a national position, i.e., a House or Senate seat.  The idea is to keep her, like that crazy second cousin with who thinks the post office is unconstitutional, occupied and far away from things like the cable news circuit and national political office.

We might form a political action committee, the "Bring Sarah Back" PAC, and begin fundraising immediately.  A movement starts with a few volunteers before it turns into a for-profit venture, and personally, I'd be willing to spend a few bucks and some sign waving afternoons if it meant a person could open up a newspaper or take a look at a online news site without being forced to translate English into English.  We could use the money we raise to pay for her 'speaking fees' (in-state engagements only, please.)

Personally, I favor reappointing her to the Oil and Gas Conservation Commission.  I don't know that there really are any qualifications or requirements to be on it, which is a plus, and it pays very well:  $120,000 a year. And what we are buying, really, is peace of mind.

So what is to be?  State office or state appointment? 

If for no other reason, I urge you to support the BringSarahBackPAC so that when a person admits to being from Alaska, the non-Alaskan can think of only one thing to ask about: 

Polar bears.


Anonymous said...

I sadly fear that for "She", it will be too little, too late.

The only recourse, obviously, is to send her to a Tea-Party-in-orbit under the guise of a speaking engagement aboard a space shuttle bound for Mars.

She may have to lured aboard by the flashes of press cameras, offers of free clothing and the opportunity to (once again) ditch her children in favor of time in the spotlight. Perfect solution, me-thinks.

Michelle said...

We would forever be in your debt.

Daisydem said...

Yes, please do! And I would contribute to that Pac!

off2fish said...

I vote for the tea party in orbit. A galaxy far far away......
Besides, we all know if she comes back here she will just bail and blame.

Kat said...

No! No! No! She must be shipped to a remote third world country with no way out or on a desert island with not even a rowboat.

If she stays in AK, she'll find some way to turn it into a stinking barren wasteland, strip mined and drilled into oblivion. There won't be any animals, mammals or fish left. The water will be undrinkable & the air unbreatheable.

Kat said...

PS - I like Titanium's idea too. May be the best yet. :)