An Alaska Political Primer

Part Two

Vo-gler blue tarp as-pen Pa-lin A-I-P secede ass-ume
beard gun Spam Subaru

There is Alaska. Alaska is very big. It is very far away. It is the largest state in the United States. See Texas? It doesn't like to be reminded of that. Until recently, no one has paid much attention to Alaska. Can you see Russia? Sarah Palin can. O, what shiny long hair she has!

Some Alaskans want to be left alone by the federal government. "Send us money," they say. "Now leave us alone." They don't want their tax dollars supporting things called "programs." Watch Alaskans pay one dollar in gasoline taxes. See them get six dollars back.

See the aspen. Aspens are un-Alaskan! See Joe Vogler? See Joe Vogler cutting down an aspen with his teeth? O, how he hated them! He hated them almost as much as the federal government. Joe wanted Alaska to secede from the United States.

Joe wanted to build a road from Fairbanks to Nome. Sarah Palin and Mike Kelly want to build a road to Nome. They like the coal and gold and uranium in Rural Alaska. A road would let them get it. Remember Frank Murkowski? Frank Murkowski was famous for his "Roads to Resources" plan. Roads! More roads! Roads to Nowhere! No one knows if the Rural Alaskan communities in between want a road. No one asked them.

See the blue tarp? Blue tarps are very Alaskan. See the blue tarp roof? See the blue tarp boat cover? See the blue tarp woodpile cover? Alaskans are fond of blue tarps. They found Joe Vogler wrapped in a blue tarp. How Alaskan!

See Joe's friends? Joe had friends called the the A-I-P. Not many Alaskans are members of the AIP. See Sarah? She wasn't. See Todd? He was. Sarah isn't really friends with the A-I-P anymore, but they talk sometimes.

See the AIP? They want to leave the United States. They want to stay where they are. How they all want to secede! Bad U.S. government! Bad environmental protections! Bad aspens! They assume the North Slope Borough and Northwest Alaska will come with them. What a poor country A-I-P Land would be! Would A-I-P Land like importing its oil and gas from the United States? How ironic that would be!

See the Alaskan Democrats? See them? One must look hard to see them. See their beards! See their guns! See their really warm beaver hat! They look just like conservatives. Watch them eat Spam. Watch them make thai coconut moose curry. How they love both their pickup and their Subaru. How hard one must work hard to maintain one's sense of humor if one is an Alaskan Democrat!

See the Alaskan Republicans? There are lots, too, even more than Democrats. O, how many of them there are in Suburban Alaska. They run everything. Yet, they hate government. O, how they want to drill the Arctic Refuge. O, how they don't like things like education and health care and benefits. How hard one must work to find an Alaskan Republican's sense of humor!

Most Alaskans aren't party members. See them? They aren't Democrats. They aren't Republicans. They aren't AIP members. We call them 'undeclared or 'non-partisan.' Look how many of them there are! O, there are more of them than Democrats, or Republicans, or AIP! "Leave us alone," they say. "We'll vote for who we damn well please."

End Lesson Two.