Wednesday, February 11, 2009

An Alaskan Political Primer

The Alaskan Political Primer (rev. 2009)
(With apologies to W.H. McGuffey)

Lesson One

Pa-lin Hair Mur-kow-ski Un-in-dict-ed Jet Su-burb Cro-nies A-bun-dance
Hus-band Snow-machine Was-illa Spam Me-dia E-lite Lib-e-ral I-ron-ic Dip-net
Sub-sis-tence PAC

See Sarah run. Run, run, run. O, how much more we like her than the least popular unindicted governor in history! Do you think Frank Murkowski regrets the jet?

Watch suburban Alaska elect her governor. What shiny, long hair she has! How many people they have in suburban Alaska! Few of them know anything about Rural Alaska. Does Sarah know anything about it? Will the people she appoints to government positions know anything?

Alaska is a BIG state that is far away from rest of the United States. No one really pays attention to Alaska.

Watch Sarah appoint friends and cronies to state positions. No experience or qualifications are necessary! She has a husband. His name is Todd. See Todd race his snowmachine? What a fast snowmachine racer he is! Todd, husband and snowmachine racer. He should be looking through State correspondence. See him go through personnel files.

O! A national election has come! See John McCain pick Sarah Palin! How old, yet smart, he is! Run, Sarah, run! Run, run, run! Does Sarah know anything about the world outside Wasilla? Does the Republican Party care? Has she not long, shiny hair? Country first!

See the rest of the country start paying a lot of attention to Alaska. See Sarah on national television. O, What a mean bunch those media elites are. What a liberal, unfair, country hating bunch they are. O, how the spotlight shines on Alaska! What a Big Fight there is there.

O, Obama! See Sarah fly back to Alaska. She has not been elected President Vice President of the United States. Run, run, run. Has Sarah not realized the national election is over? Stop running Sarah. How fast she runs! How far!

Watch her put suburban Alaskans into place in key wildlife management positions. One! Two! How many Alaskan Outdoors Council board members can you get into the system? How interesting that the AOC is backing a lawsuit against Fish and Game.! How ironic.

See the lawsuit. See the dipnetters. They aren't happy. O, how unhappy they are that they are to be called personal use. They catch fish, lots of fish every year. How bright and shiny are the salmon! How they glitter and gleam! But they are not called subsistence fish. When they are eaten, they do not taste as good.

Has the Big Fight not ended? How many people were involved in the Big Fight!

Run, run, run. Sarah has a PAC. See the PAC. See Sarah campaign for a Republican in Georgia. See her campaign in Texas. Yet, Sarah does not want to be President of the United States.

(End Lesson One.)


KC said...

Too funny! I loved it! I can't wait for part II!

Ishmael said...

That is so fricken sweet.

CabinDweller said...

It got a little long. I found it hard to stop.

Oh, and technically, the AOC is not supporting the lawsuit. The 501(c)4 organization (that has an identical board to the AOC) IS.

Deirdre Helfferich said...

Inspired. Absolutely inspired. I hearby nominate this post for a blog award, somewhere, by somebody. Heck, I'll create an award. I can do that. I'm a publisher.

Philip Munger said...

Best Alaska Kid's book of 2009. So far. Where can I buy ten copies for the Wasilla Public Library?

Independent Alaskan said...

This is hilarious!

CabinDweller said...

O, how fun it would be to publish a kids version.

Thank you!

I am finding it hard to stop writing everything in this style.