Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Interior Barbies

Can’t help it.  ‘Dweller’s sartorial post of a couple of days ago that included the very funny (at least to this blogger) list of Alaskan Barbie types set me to thinking of a few more that are particular to Squarebanks, its environs, and the Interior in general.

Compound Barbie:  This drab Barbie comes with bad teeth, lank hair and a sallow complexion.  Wardrobe consists exclusively of ankle-length denim skirts and plaid shirts.  Comes with a passel of kids so as to provide boyfriend End-of-the-Roader Ken with sufficient PFDs for yearly income.  Accessories include a drafty, dark squatter’s cabin illegally built on state land, or a retro-fitted miner’s cabin left over from the gold rush of 1908.   Special Edition Compound Barbie includes Little Sister Skipper as a two-fer for End-of-the-Roader Ken. 

Militia Midge:  Barbie’s cousin, Midge  has two blind eyes and a special audio feature.  Press the button on her back, and  Militia Midge will help you experience those  exciting moments when the FBI comes knocking, or put you through the paces of a prison visit.   Accessories include a trailer full of pineapple grenades and other weapons, plus a special AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle to give to boyfriend Wingnut Brad for his birthday. 

Dog-handler Barbie:  Petite, pert and fit, this Barbie comes with blonde, brunette or red hair and hails from somewhere in the Lower 48.  Accessories include Carhartt overalls with several dog necklines strung through the carpenter’s loop and dog-shit caked bunny boots.  Comes with an attraction for 50-something men with a string of failed marriages and 150 dogs.  Can be found most often in Two Rivers doing an amazing amount of scut work  for free in the hopes that boyfriend Former-Iditarod-Champion Ken will let her drive the C-team in the next Iditarod. 

Ester Barbie:  This granola-crunchy Barbie proudly flaunts her aversion to showers, bras, and razors.  Equipped with Dial-a-Length arm pit hair, accessories include a personalized bar stool at the Golden Eagle, a much-worn library card for the John Trigg Ester Library and a lifetime subscription to the Ester Republic.  She and boyfriend Ken cohabitate in an artfully funky waterless cabin constructed from  an old bus, a wooden miner’s shack scrounged from Ester Creek, and assorted windows, doors and scrap metal scavenged from the dump (sold separately). 

Ski-doo Summer:  This big-haired Barbie gal-pal comes with tattooed eyeliner,  French nails and a variety of  outfits perfect for spending a spring afternoon in the Hoo-doos.  Accessories include an RV towing a trailer with 6 full-sized snow machines and four kitty-cats, a gas grill and a plywood condo at Summit Lake.  During summer months she is most often found at Pike’s cheering on Sledneck Ken as he races Arctic Cats across the open Chena River. 

Missionary Barbie:  Available only during the summer, this Barbie comes with  an assortment of poorly-fitting pant suits and other modest casual gear.  Missionary Barbie sports  wide eyes with a slightly glazed, crazed look and an audio feature that endlessly repeats “Praise Jesus” with a southern drawl.  Accessories include a well-worn Bible, a john boat, candy and Jesus trinkets.  Helpmeet to Pastor Ken, she can be most often found proselytizing in a remote Native village along the Yukon.  

No comments: