Uncle Ted on Jon Stewart Show??

Oh.
My.
God.

Uncle Ted, responding to Jon Stewart's televised mockings of his "Tube" description of the Internet, has said he is 'open' to appearing on Stewart's show. (First thing I saw this morning on Crooks and Liars.)

I don't have cable, but have been considering the dish solution for winter. If Uncle Ted were to be on The Daily Show, I might jump sooner.

Uncle Ted, while not a dummy, does have some severe curmudgeon issues. Him on the TDS might possibly be the most entertaining thing in recent memory, possibly even more fun than Steven Colbert's performance at the White House Press Correspondents dinner. (If you haven't seen it yet, watch it. Really. Trust me. It's online.)

Musings on a Personality Transplant...

I can't seem to let this one go. Moving past the utter bizarreness of that (in)famous Murk ad – what were his handlers thinking? I know that such a job has gotta be tough – I mean look at what Bush’s people must go through every time he twangs out of the side of his mouth – but really, can the job of Murk-marketing be so bad that they are totally addle-pated by it?

Or could it be that really they are Trekkies? Maybe what they are thinking is something along the lines of the Vulcan mind meld…hey – anything is worth a try when you are faced with having to tart up a candidate who has the distinction of having the worse rankings as governor in the nation (or could we, dare we say – “Next Four Years: the Worst Governor in All of Christendom”?). Now who would they be thinking of for a mind meld? Well, there is Jim Clark, Chief O’ Staff, who we all know is the puppet master anyway, but that is just trading one florid, overweight, overstuffed white guy for another – except that the puppet-master, like his national counter-part, is scarily and dangerously smart, and thus is the real culprit behind all the Murk shenanigans. There’s Brinkley the Dog, who as a mind meld candidate certainly would improve Charismatic Frank, but I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone or any dog. Leave the Brink alone, he is doing just fine by his doggie self.

So, nope – can’t think of anyone who would be a good candidate for a personality transplant – er, mind meld – with Charismatic Frank. And besides, who in their right mind would donate theirs simply because Frank lacked one while he crazily steered this ship of state? Guess you’re stuck with your personality, Frank, and not just because we lack a Vulcan.

Damn Shmamit! They 'Fixed' Goldstream Rd.

Those who occasionally frequent this blog may recall that earlier this month, I posted an amusing (to me at least) set of photos detailing the inspired graffiti on the east stretch of Goldstream Road.

Specifically, The Worst Pavement in All Christendom.

Well, dammit, they 'fixed' the wrong damn end!*

It is generally understood by Goldstream Valley residents, H20-possessing and the high-and-dry alike, that Goldstream Road sucks. It is a pain-in-the-ass to maintain what with the frost heaves and such. I get that. And I did sing the praises of the road guys when they finally fixed the stretch by Ivory Rd. where I had launched my Soob on occasions when I forgot to slow down. Nice pavement there, people.

But why did they screw around with several stretches heading west from Ballaine? Sure, the road sucked, we've established that fact, and it was a pretty teeth-rattling experience to drive it in a Soob with questionable shocks, but it was driveable.

And when I say screwed around with, I mean they had flaggers on that western portion for DAYS and all we got out of those hold ups were new gravel sections. Not paved, as they were previously, but freaking gravel.

Guess who got 2 huge cracks put into my 8 month old windshield in less than 24 hours from flying freaking gravel. How is going to gravel an improvement??

* Fixed, in the loosest possible sense.

Testing the Waters:

Informal survey shows Brinkley the Dog ahead of Frank Murkowski

“Brinkley for Governor”: 233 hits on Google
“Murkowski for Governor”: 39 hits on Google

This morning to gauge the tenor of the Republican gubernatorial primary here in Alaska, I conducted what admittedly is a hackneyed, but free and easy approach to pollstering* – I tested, by way of Google hits, the ranking of my two favorite candidates: Brinkley the Dog, and his antithesis, “Charismatic” Frank Murkowski. Well, if I could vote in the primary** – Brinkley the Dog would be a clear choice for me because he doesn’t accept kibble from the oil companies, he doesn’t need a private jet (although he admits he would like a deluxe, king-size Pet Crate), and while he may occasionally experience gas and repeated episodes of flatulence, as does our current governor, he is not actively trying to screw Alaskans by brokering a sweetheart deal on Alaska natural gas with his oil company cronies. Besides Brinkley is certainly far more photogenic and personable than Mr. “I-need-a-personality-transplant”. And if Google can be taken as any indication of popularity (or notoriety) – it looks like Brinkley the Dog has got Charismatic Frank licked all the way into next year.

Yes, Alaska, where a golden retriever can rise up by his simple dog-bootie straps and give a seated governor a serious run for his money (I believe that Brinkley has raised more money too, but that is just unsubstantiated rumor at this point in time). Why would anyone want to live anywhere else? This type of on-the-edge-of-your seat political drama more than makes up for the long, cold and dark nights!

*But probably just as accurate as those polls conducted by very expensive consultants.
** Which I can't because the Republicans, unlike the Democrats, closed their primaries, and it goes without saying that I would rather rot in hell than register as anything other than undeclared.

Blame it on the Duck

Or, Living Fat and Happy in a Jacuzzi really cuts into your blog-time...

Soooo, my fellow Alaskans and the rest of you unlucky enough to live Outside, how is your summer going?

I've been housesitting and halibut fishing and clam-digging and grilling and beer-drinking and frankly, while I love the Summer Madness as much as the next red-blooded Alaskan, damn, I'm getting a little ragged around the edges.

The housesitting proved strenuous, indeed, what with the required nightly jacuzzi-ing and beer-drinking. So much so that I've been too exhausted to blog.

Which is my excuse for missing out on that wonderful Murkowski campaign ad that Flic the Bic so loved. And have you noticed how all those Palin signs that just sprouted up over night like mushrooms? I've seen a number of Binkley signs, but not in numbers approaching those of Palin.

Honestly- You Couldn't Make This Stuff Up!

Although election time in Alaska never fails to entertain – this year’s gubernatorial primaries are shaping up to be ones that will be hard to top in future years. Supporters of Frank “Mr. Personality” Murkowski, not content to let Frank run amok on his own with his ill-conceived ad campaign admitting to the need of a personality transplant, are adding blazo to his bonfire of the vanities with the following song*:

"We don’t like being threatened in Alaska.
And we don’t take our orders from D.C.
We don’t care about some PETA boycott.
And we might shoot some wolves from a DC-3.
We don’t fill our freezers at Fred Meyer.
It’s not how real Alaskans get their meat.
We like building roads, pumping oil.
And the state of this here state is flipping sweet.
And I’m proud to be supporting Frank Murkowski.
He’s a man that’s not afraid to take some licks.
He might not win awards for his charisma.
But Alaska’s gonna need Frank in 06.”

Sung to a twangy, down-homey beat, with lots of clapping and cheering, this song is being used in Frank’s TV campaign ads. Not surprisingly, the author of the song prefers to remain anonymous, but a group called “Friends of Frank”, based, I am proud to say, in Fairbanks, is taking overall credit for this creation.

I say – give Friends of Frank and the PR firm that Frank hired a big round of applause – they are doing a better job of making sure this buffoon doesn’t survive the primary than any other orchestrated effort to unseat the guy, and providing prized Mad Magazine moments for the rest of us.

* (c) Friends of Frank, 2006
Photo, (c) Alaska Railroad

Road Trip v.2: Anchorage, Ninilchik, Kasilof

Hey y'all, it's been a while and while I've been off roadtripping and carrying on like a Nomeite, I've missed out on all the fun.

By which I mean: Uncle Ted and The Tube, Some crazy Alaskan Democrat wanting to prevent gay people from being foster parents, the Republican Debate, aka, Nobody Likes Murkowski, Even People from His Own Party Slamfest, and Atlantic salmon being caught down at Kasilof.

Many pics to post, much opining to do, but first I must go do battle with Lowe's, one of those damned box stores. Turns out several items are missing from the box that contains my new stove - and I have to deal with customer service. What are the odds I'll meet an unsympathetic corporate wall?

Perhaps you can guess how absolutely frustrating it is to have a new stove in your cabin, but lack the manual and the freaking burning thingies -- making your new stove unusuable and forcing you to still cook on the abomination known as the Toastmaster 1500.